Close Quarters
by peroxidepest17
Summary: Sanji tries to have a little “me” time on board. Ha. Right.


**Title:** Close Quarters  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Pairing/Character/s: **Sanji, Zoro, Luffy.  
**Topic: **Bath time   
**Word Count:** 743  
**Warning/s: **Poo and pee jokes and general tasteless humor, but no spoilers I can imagine. XD  
**Summary:** Sanji tries to have a little "me" time on board. Ha. Right.   
**Dedication:** for kaeruchan—I had a hell of a time NOT making this prompt yaoi for you. XD;;  
**A/N: **Why yes, this is disgusting. But you know what? I live with a 6'1 260 lb football player. There are two bathrooms upstairs, but HE LIKES MINE. I have walked into the lingering scent of…horror. And so I'm simply applying my real life experience and embellishing it to fit here. THIS IS LIFE PEOPLE! Rly. Believe me. Okay, maybe I just wanted to be disgusting. It's hard to not write bath porn for ZoSan!

Sanji sighed in relief as he submerged himself into the steamy water—the scent of bath salts and rose oil relaxing him almost instantly as one hand lazily swirled around a glass of dark, sweet wine.

Long days called for proportionate "me" time as far as he was concerned, and every day that he had to feed Luffy wasn't something he would consider _short_.

It was nice to rest a little, to unwind. Loosen the knots at the back of his neck and not have to constantly be hearing…

"SANJI I'M HUNGRY."

The chef growled. "You just ate!"

"I'm _hungry_!" Luffy whined, from just outside the bathroom door.

"Well I'm_ naked_, so you'll just have to wait."

Silence.

For about half a second.

"You can borrow my pants!" Luffy offered, like that would be incentive to hurry Sanji out of the bathroom or something.

"I don't want your pants!"

"Uh… you can have Usopp's pants?"

"I don't want those either!"

Pause.

"SANJI, I'M HUNGRY."

The blond's brow twitched. "There are some cookies in the tin on the counter," he offered after a moment, and hoped that Luffy didn't want…pot roast or something.

"WAAAAH COOKIES! Thank you, Sanji!"

Sanji wondered if Luffy was automatically assuming they were meat cookies or something, but when he heard the much coveted sound of footsteps padding (running) in the other direction, figured that calling the captain back to clarify would be, well, idiotic. So instead he closed his eyes, sighed deeply, and concentrated once more, on the art of relaxation.

Rolling his shoulders, he settled more deeply into the water, took a sip of wine and…

"Oi Aho-cook, the hell are you doing in there? Get out! I need to go!"

Sanji's eyes narrowed.

"You've been in there for a whole five minutes, hurry the hell up!" Zoro insisted, and pounded on the door like that would speed the cook up.

"I'm taking a _bath_ bastard," he called back, and almost wanted to take even longer than originally planned just to spite the swordsman.

The knocking stopped.

Sanji blinked—he hadn't expected the idiot to give up so quickly.

And then, "So you're not using the can?"

Sanji sighed. He _knew _that had been too easy. "I'm taking a _bath,"_ he reiterated, slowly. Needed to give Zoro's underused brain time to process this stuff, after all.

Silence.

"So you're not using the can?"

Sanji groaned and rubbed his temple. What the hell would that…

"OH GOD."

His eyes widened upon realizing what Zoro meant, and like it was a cue of some sort, the bathroom door—despite being locked—was shoved (broken) open.

"Holy _god_," Zoro hissed when he saw the toilet, and stumbled in without batting an eye. "I feel like I'm gonna explode."

Sanji sputtered in horror. "Get the fuck out! What the hell are you doing!"

"Using the can," Zoro shot back, and already had his zipper down, pants half off his hips.

"I'm taking a _bath_, asshole! I'm _naked_!"

"Right! So you're not getting up to use the goddamned can!"

"THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE LOGIC!" Sanji shouted, and struggled to get out of the water in the hopes of kicking the bastard out through the door before the other man's ass (and whatever it was carrying) touched down on the porcelain.

Not fast enough, though.

"_Fuck_," Zoro groaned to himself almost painfully, and had one hand clutching his ominously gurgling stomach as he moved, perhaps even faster than he did when fighting.

"NO!" Sanji shouted, and it was like watching in slow motion as Zoro slammed himself down onto the toilet.

"_Yes_."

Sanji stared in horror.

Zoro ignored him-- squared his jaw inistead and looked like he was concentrating very hard on what he was doing.

"You're pooing," Sanji murmured after a moment of stunned silence, and tried to wrap his mind around what, exactly, was going on here. "You're _pooing._"

"I _pooed_," Zoro corrected, and grinned in an immensely self-satisfied way. A straggling fart only punctuated the fact. Zoro sighed happily to himself upon finally reaching a stage of complete release and leaned backwards-- luxuriously.

Sanji would have said something else, but right about then—the smell hit.

He dunked his head under the water with a groan and realized this might just be one of those once-in-a-lifetime types of incidents where he could actually admit to himself—without any shame or embarrassment-- that he kind of wished he'd taken Luffy's pants after all.

**END**


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